I miss lifting :(

I've have been adjusting to the new move and the schedule of buses and whatnot--> so if I get to work late, then I can't leave in time to make it to lifting- open class time at Pierre's. I'm really irritated but Ive decided that I am going to take the break 'as is' and hit it harder-fresh next week. I really want to make a point to go in Mon-Wed-Fri so that my BF can pick me up at Pierre's then head right to BJJ class. Then he could pick me up at home for Tuesday Thursday classes. I'm really trying to practice what I preach about 'consistency' in training: How am I supposed to get my lifts # up if I'm so retardedly sporadic at Pierre's. How am I supposed to take the goal seriously If I don't actually give a shit...I am not doing this for myself?!
I figured out a long time ago...that I am NOT happy if I am not training on a regular basis, push my self out of my comfort zone and do what makes me uncomfortable. When I give myself and excuse not to do something and then I DO it, I feel amazing, I feel in control and it snowballs into building a better self esteem- confidence in myself, confidence in everyday life thing that I do. When I think I should be doing something and I give the excuse and I DONT do it, I feel like a piece of GARBAGIO for days, I sleep like sh*t and I beat myself up until it spirals into a laziness pattern of self loathing. Ohhh im fat and Im lazy and im gross and im all those lame ass things that girls say (lol) I know better NOT to do this to myself...so why do I do I keep doing it?

Lame.